On Social Needs

I have been constantly isolating myself from people and social life, even sex, for some time now. Something close to a year I suppose, with isolated windows of social life of course. It is as if I were on a crazy diet of people.

This is how I came to realize what a primal drive the need for social life is. I became very depressed, although I voluntarily made this decision, my eating habits are a mess (maybe due to lack of regular meals with friends or family) and my sexual balance is drastically disturbed, an unpredictable swing between asexual and "fuck everything that walks". Not healthy, nor fun.

Probably the worst part is the drain of experience. I had already figured out that social life is based on experience and observation, and a backing ability to manipulate people and situations of course. As I left the port of social life, I really was not aware of the experience I was going to miss, and skills I was going to lose.

Okay, so I did not forget how to manipulate people. Big deal. I have lost my touch. It used to be as if I could talk to everybody, and talk them into anything. Now I am having difficulty reaching out through my wall. Yes, it is a cliche metaphor, but it is so accurate.

By the way, it is further disturbing that someone had already lived through all this and narrated it until a nearly undefined ending: The Wall by Pink Floyd. I mean there are so many resemblances that I really have the inner fear that I am the stupidest man on the planet to go through this type of experience all over again. It is clear that Roger Waters was not content with his choice, and his narration matches my feelings. I have the vague sense that I will end up just as miserable.

I am depressed, maybe in some pain, but not miserable. It fears me to the bone, the idea of myself as a petty little man.

I should not be thought as a heavier narcissist than most people are, though. After all, whenever we cry, we cry for ourselves. I doubt that there is anyone who had not wept over their probable catastrophic future, in one way or another.

I do not know how to master social skills again. I will keep myself, and because of me testing this method of using blogs to keep track of personal views you too, posted on that.