On Social Needs (ii)

Small experimantation on resocializing failed.

The person subject to this experimentation is a girl that I took a course with a year back. I decided that maybe I could get intimate with this girl. Do not be so cruel, not just sexually.

It went pretty well for months, actually. We were not the same, that was for sure, but I thought that we clicked. I mean it was fun having someone to talk to besides my sister, someone to talk to without those empty "what the fuck are you talking about" eyes. We talked about a lot of things, spent many hours on net and in the flesh.

I decided to open up.

That point, seems to me now, as the point where the thing started to come down. She was not interested in me, to my surprise.

I have to squeeze in that I am used to people not being into me, of course. However, when I felt the click, it was always mutual, I thought of this as the natural way. Obviously, I was mistaken.

Anyway, the details aside, she was involved with someone else as well. I decided that this would not bother me, since I was never the jealous type. I do not see the logic in this sentiment. Well, it bothered be. It was not like jealousy though, it was more like pain of confronting irrationality. I mean it was clear that we communicated very well, and I did not, do not, believe that they have a better quality in communication.

This puzzles me, is sexuality so isolated from all this? I am aware that sexuality can exist without personality, but cannot personality affect sex? I always thought that it did the trick for me. I mean people who were not extraordinarily attractive seemed so if I liked to spend time with them.

This, however, may also mean that I am physiologically repulsive in a radical manner. Not a nice feeling, neither. I may be so repulsive that the fact that we spend a lot of time and have fun on the way does not affect the way she sees me. I am not really complaining about the frendship, but I do crave for more.

Or I used to.

We decided to go to a bar a couple of days ago. We went to a pub first, had a quick dinner, a couple of beers, and hit the real bar from there. My favourite bar band was on in this new bar, so we went there. She spoke to her boyfriend for half of the time we were there. He was supposed to pick her up, but then it turned out that he was not. I offered her to sleep over, she accepted, she was annoyed that her boyfriend changed his mind so suddenly to leave her in such a difficult position having nowhere to go.

We were dancing and drinking when her boyfriend suddenly calls to say that he is going to pick her up. Half an hour later they are gone. At the blink of an eye, she preferred to take a ride to her dorm with him instead of staying with me at the bar like we had planned before and sleeping over as we had just decided. This would not bother me if these incidents were independent, but I started to doubt her view of me. She seems to take me and my company for granted, like tivo or something, you can switch it off when you want and pick up from where you left any time you like.

I talked to her, she apologized as she always does in such situations, and said that she does not know what to do when she offends someone. To be honest, I do not know if she is intimate in what she says. I feel exposed, I let someone in and now I question if it was worth all the problems.

I do feel the burden of little social life, but I also feel the burden of the social life itself. I do not wish to be troubled by these miserable little worries, and petty little hormonal ignitions.

It is as if I have decided to jump off a cliff but given a second chance and reached the same point that convinced me to take that step. The problem with this situation is that there is no end, I guess.

Difficult times.